Bring the Rain

Its been a year since I have physically seen my Dad. I can not believe that its been that long. I still expect him to be on other side of the line when the phone rings at times. I miss him everyday. I don't think there has been a day since he's been gone that I haven't thought of him. At every holiday and family event, there is something missing, and its him.

There are small things that keep happening that keeps reminding me that he is still around me. On numerous occasions, I smell cigarettes. My Dad was a big time smoker. Nobody in my family or that I know smokes, but I still smell smoke. Also, there will be times that I am driving, and almost close to tears thinking about him and a song comes on the radio that is TOTALLY him. Wesley's room is decorated with his old football memorabilia (which my Dad would BE so proud that he had it). I have a framed Black and white photo of my Dad in his college football uniform on his night stand. My Dad used to make this funny noise to Wesley when he was a baby, and it always made Wesley laugh really hard. Wesley makes that noise to the picture now...its so weird.

I am going to back up and tell this story about what happened a year ago to those who do not know the details. It is therapeutic and hard at the same time. In February 2007, Nathan and I decided to move. We were sick of the hustle of Orlando, and waned to move to a smaller town to raise Wesley. My Dad was sad, but he was supportive of our decision. He told me that he was considering following us there too since my Mom decided she was going to move also. Our house went up for sale in Feb, and it sat there. We prayed that it would sell, we prayed for clarity, we just prayed and placed this all in the Lord's lap. We gave it all to Him to handle. We had no reason why our house was taking so long to sell. We trusted in Him, and knew that in His timing, things will be the way they should.

Fast forward to May 2007. Our house is still up for sale, and we are questioning if this is a sign. Should we stay in Fl? Is moving to Ga not the right thing? I was staying home with Wesley by that point. I had quit my job, so that my boss would have time to hire and train a new person to get through her VBS. My Dad called and wanted to hang out on Memorial day weekend. I declined, telling him, that we really just needed a quiet weekend alone. Nathan was working at this crazy Title company, and was working 60 plus hours a week. So he asked me to come over to my Mom's on Wednesday, May 30th. I said "Sure." We met over there, took Wesley swimming, cooked out, went to the park, and went to Dairy Queen. My Dad wanted me look at his resume/ work on it, so I did that night. He asked me to call him after I was done, and when I emailed it to him. I finished it up around 9, and I called him. He didn't answer, but I had thought maybe he fell asleep. I had a playdate with a friend the next morning, and I called him twice before I went to it, still no answer. It wasn't like my Dad not to call back. I was puzzled, but I never really thought anything of it. Later that night, I talked to my Mom. I asked her if she had talked to Dad...and she said " No...as a matter of fact I was getting ready to call him." My parents were divorced, but were still really close. They talked every night, and went out almost every weekend. They were best friends. I said to my Mom- " Is he mad at me? He's not picking up my calls or returning them, I am getting worried." She said- " Let me call him, and see if he picks up." So I waited, and waited....nothing. She finally called back and said " I think I am going to drive to his condo and check on him. He's not answering, and its not like him." So I told her I would wait for her to call me. I sat there with a knot in my stomach. I had a feeling something was wrong. Nathan was working late, and Wes was already in bed. It was about 8 pm. It was raining so hard.

About an hour passed, and the phone rang. It was a FL dispatcher. As soon as I heard her voice, I bursted into tears. I first thought- something happened to my Mom. It was raining so hard out, and she told me she took a Tylenol PM, so she was nervous to drive. The dispatcher said- "There's been a medical emergency at your Dad's condo, please get here soon, but be careful, and have someone else drive you." I asked her what happened- and she wouldn't say. I knew immediately. I called Nathan, he was on his way. I called Wes' God mom, she was on her way to take Wes for the night. I was trembling, I was numb, I was sick. My mind was swirling on what to do. I had no idea. I felt so helpless. I felt sick that my Mom was there alone. Nathan came home about 15 minutes later- and he confirmed that my Dad was found dead. The dispatcher told him. I fell into his arms and sobbed. I was in shock, walking around in circles, and my head spinning.

Ellen got there a few minutes later- and was an angel. She took Wes that night, and the next day, and it was such a blessing. Nathan and I drove to my Mom's condo. The song by Mercy Me "Bring the Rain" came on the radio. It was pouring outside. I prayed, and then a huge peace came over me. I felt like someone came down and wrapped their arms around me. It took my breath away, and I felt at peace. I was still sad, but I knew everything was going to be OK.

We got to my Mom's condo, and she was a mess. She found my Dad "asleep" on the couch, watching sports center. If you know my Dad- that's him. He LOVED sports, especially football. She thought he was asleep, slipped on the lights, and was yelling him to wake up. When she flipped on the lights, I guess he was looking pretty bad. He had been dead for over 24 hours, so you can imagine.

The next day or so, was bad. Just awful. We went to the funeral home, and I remember I couldn't even write the check for his funeral expenses. It was just too final. It was just to hard to know his body was in the building, and I couldn't hug him or talk to him. It was hard to think about his cremation. I am thankful though that my Dad was clear on his wishes about his funeral. He wanted the cheapest cremation possible. No casket, no viewing. He wanted his ashes spread in the childhood creek that played in right down the street from the house he grew up in. The creek dumped into the Ohio River. He wanted a celebration of life ceremony- and that's what we did, on Father's day weekend. It was great. We did pictures set to music- classic rock. Bob Segar, Rolling stones, and The Beatles. That's my Dad. At the end, we played " Take me home...West Virginia"

The months after his death was hard. There were so many things going on. Caring for Wesley, wrapping up his estate, moving, cleaning out his condo, meeting with Lawyers. Nathan and Nelson were such a great help. I think the worst was cleaning out my Dad's belongings. Going through and getting rid of his things, going through his checkbook and seeing that he paid his bills that morning before he died, washing his dishes that he ate out of that day, getting laundry that mildewed out of his washer. He had no idea that he was going to die that day. It was just awful.

I am thankful. I am thankful that Wesley and I spent the last day of his life with him. I am thankful I watched him laugh and smile at Wesley all day. That I have pictures of them playing in the park and swimming. I am thankful I hugged and kissed him goodbye that day. I am thankful that I knew how much my Dad loved me, and how proud he was of me. I am thankful that he loved Nathan and Wesley so much. I am thankful for Nathan and Nelson- as they were both my rocks that summer. I am thankful for my aunts and cousin who listened to me, and held me as I cried. I am thankful for my Mom who would do anything for me. I am thankful for a God who loves me, and is watching over me, and gives me strength. I am thankful my Dad didn't have to suffer and that he died peacefully.

Through out this time, I kept hearing that Mercy Me song, "Bring the rain." It has always given me peace when I hear it. God has not promised us an easy life. He has not promised us a smooth ride. He has promised us that He will see us through our darkest day and hours. That we can lean on Him for strength. I gave it all to Him, and He comforted me through out this difficult time and it has made my faith stronger.

Ok, let me wrap this up....this experience with with my Dad made me realize even more that God has such a incredible plan for us. He has it all laid out. The reason why we didn't move earlier- is because God knew I needed to be in Orlando. Could you imagine if I lived in Ga when all of this happened with my Dad?! So there is no need to worry. Ever. About anything. He's got it all mapped out.

I am going to add that Mercy Me song to my blog player if you'd like to hear it.